Adjusting to Life Changes: Why Transitions Take Time
Written by Stephanie Foxman, MS, LPC
Although change is an inevitable part of life, most of us dislike or even dread its uncertainty. Many people seek out therapy for support in adjusting to a significant life event. Career shifts, relocations, pursuing an advanced degree as an adult, alterations in relationships, empty nesting, aging, retirement, caregiving – these are just a few of the innumerable experiences that can leave us feeling unsettled, stressed, or emotionally shaken. While we don’t always have the power to control these events, we can find agency in how we cope and adjust.
William Bridges, author of Transitions, a classic guide to navigating life's upheavals, distinguishes between change and transition. Change is external – an event or shift in circumstances. Transition is internal – the psychological process of emotional adjustment and adaptation.
Bruce Feiler, author of Life is in the Transitions, suggests that most Americans experience a significant life disruption every 12 to 18 months. These disruptions may be voluntary or involuntary. About one in ten becomes what Feiler calls a "lifequake" – a major upheaval that brings pain and confusion while also creating the possibility for growth and renewal.
Significant life changes activate our nervous system because our mind and body are working hard to adapt to uncertainty. The roles, routines, and rhythms that typically anchor us may be interrupted. As a result, we may experience increased sadness, worry, irritability, or difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of poor coping – they're often a normal response to significant change.
Navigating the transition process
Both Bridges and Feiler conceptualize three phases of transition – the ending/long goodbye; the neutral zone/messy middle; and the new beginning. The stages might occur in any order and some or all of the stages may be experienced iteratively.
Are you currently experiencing a personal or professional change? Which phases of transition resonate with you?
Ending/long goodbye – This is where we identify the emotions we’re struggling with, taking time to fully acknowledge fear, anger, sadness, resistance and other difficult feelings. We explicitly name and grieve the loss of structures and identities that we have grown accustomed to. Journaling and talking to friends/family/colleagues can help with this process. Rituals are another important way to mark endings. As we recognize these losses, underlying hopes and expectations can be more fully expressed and reconciled.
Neutral zone/messy middle – This is a liminal time, when the old identity is no longer available or relevant, but the new one is not yet fully functional. It can be an awkward and vulnerable time. In the poignant words of Feiler, “We stumble toward a fresh identity.” Therapist Diane Barth normalizes the phenomenon of mixed emotions that may accompany transitions, encouraging us to make space for a complex and paradoxical brew of feelings including sorrow, anxiety, relief, creativity, hope and excitement.
New beginning – Humans have a tremendous capacity for adapting to change. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, we can learn to embrace new ways of being. As acknowledgement of the change matures into deeper acceptance, we feel more grounded in our new reality. We begin to discover new routines, new perspectives, and sometimes even new parts of ourselves. Bridges invites us to be on the lookout for a release of energy and a new openness to experience.
As a therapist, it's a privilege to walk alongside clients as they navigate periods of change and uncertainty. While there is no set timeline for transitions, together we can work to bring calm, compassion, courage and creativity to the process. These experiences can be painful and disorienting, but they can also become meaningful opportunities for resilience, clarity, and growth.
If you're navigating a difficult personal or professional life change, you don't have to face it alone. Contact me to schedule a brief complimentary phone consultation. Together we can explore whether I might be helpful to you.