Grief and Secondary Losses
Written by Stephanie Foxman, MS, LPC
When someone we love dies, the death itself (the primary loss) sets off a ripple effect of secondary losses. Secondary losses and secondary life changes/impacts can be intangible, and they are not often discussed. As a result, mourners may not consciously realize what they are experiencing; instead, they may feel confused, caught off guard, or alienated without explicitly understanding why.
Which of these secondary losses resonate with you?
Losses/Changes in identity – Our identity as a parent, spouse, child, sibling, etc. may feel lost or altered by the loss of our loved one. Our sense of ourself may shift, especially if our loved one has long been a presence in our lives. For some of us, the existence of a parent or an older sibling has been a “given” in every moment that we have been alive. Their death literally rocks the world as we have always known it. We may suddenly lack confidence or struggle with indecisiveness. The ground beneath us will likely feel shaky.
Changes in role – Some of our roles may now feel obsolete in light of the loss. On the other hand, we may be faced with assuming new roles and functions that were previously served by the deceased. These role shifts may be unwelcome and uncomfortable.
Changes in social status – We may be perceived differently and/or treated differently by friends, family, neighbors and colleagues. Alternatively, people may treat us the same, but our internal experience may change. We may feel self-conscious in social settings that were once comfortable.
Changes in routines and rituals – Daily routines as well as special events will likely feel – and be – different without the presence of our loved one.
Changes in lifestyle – The loss of a loved one may also entail loss of income, impacting where we live and what activities we engage in.
Loss of future plans – Whether we had hoped to retire with our spouse, travel with our sibling, or support our child in raising grandchildren, we may be grieving the loss of a hoped-for future that was tied to our loved one. Some future plans may still feel important to carry out, whereas others may no longer fit, for practical or emotional reasons. This too must be mourned as part of coming to terms with the primary loss.
What can be done to address secondary losses?
Whether tangible or intangible, secondary losses can impact our emotional wellness and our practical functioning. Here are some things that can help:
Awareness – Just knowing that secondary impacts are real can be a good start toward self-understanding.
Validation– Please hold in mind that, in the words of author and therapist Megan Devine, “You are not crazy. You feel crazy because you're inside a crazy experience.” The world as you know it has changed, and your old assumptions may no longer fit with your new reality. Your difficulties, which include primary and secondary losses, are valid. It takes time and work to process a change of this magnitude.
Caring support – It’s so important that we find support in identifying and validating our primary and secondary losses. Supportive friends/family, grief groups and individual therapy can ensure that we are not alone as we process these difficulties.
Name it to tame it – Secondary impacts are accompanied by painful and complex emotions. Psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel encourages “name it to tame it” when it comes to working through difficult emotional experiences. By this he means noticing our emotions and then naming or “labeling” them; for example, noticing that your fists are clenched and connecting that to a feeling of anger; noticing tension in your belly and connecting it to feeling afraid; or noticing a desire to withdraw from a social situation and connecting it to feeling exposed. As murky feelings become more explicitly known to us, we can better appreciate and address our secondary losses.
Balance between practical and emotional coping – The Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by Stroebe and Schut, proposes that healthy grieving involves oscillation between addressing loss-oriented stressors (looking at old photos, journaling, imagining what a loved one would say, reading condolence cards) and addressing restoration-oriented stressors (re-building social structures, creating new habits and routines, adjusting to new roles and functions). In addition, Stroebe and Schut affirm the need to take much-needed breaks from grief. Do you have healthy ways to distract or redirect yourself away from grief? Some people find comfort in reading, streaming shows, exercising, getting outside, cooking, gardening, working with their hands (knitting, puzzles, carpentry) or engaging in other hobbies.
Final thoughts
By attending to our thoughts and feelings around grief, we expand our capacity to bear the loss and move forward alongside it. Though we are forever changed, we can reconnect to our vitality and forge ahead in ways that are meaningful.
If you or someone you know is grieving, therapy can help. I encourage you to reach out and schedule a brief complimentary phone consultation with me; together we can explore whether I might be helpful to you.