Making Room for Emotional Complexity
Written by Stephanie Foxman, MS, LPC
Complexity. It’s a word that comes up often in my work with clients. Being human is a layered experience. It’s complicated! Emotional complexity arises because we can hold multiple feelings simultaneously, and those feelings can be either complementary or contradictory to one another. In addition, our “feelings about our feelings” (meta-emotions) can exist on a continuum between accepting and rejecting. Therapy is an ideal space to acknowledge, process, and make room for emotional complexity.
Facets of Emotional Complexity
Emotion differentiation— In therapy we practice identifying and differentiating emotions with increasing specificity. If you struggle to name what you are feeling, the feelings wheel may be a helpful resource. As we tune into our felt sense and develop a richer emotional vocabulary, we become better able to identify and distinguish among our emotional experiences. Though many of us fear that engaging with feelings will escalate them, research shows that, paradoxically, naming and accepting emotions support emotion regulation. Of course, there are many other skills involved in skillful acknowledgement and expression of emotions. There’s a wonderful metaphor for this idea: “Feelings are like kids. You don't want them driving the car, but you don't want to stuff them in the trunk, either.” (Thanks for Sharing, 2013).
Mixed emotions— Experiencing mixed emotions refers to the phenomenon of holding multiple, sometimes opposing emotions, at the same time (Berrios et al., 2015b, 2019). For instance, feeling both sad and relieved when a relationship ends, or feeling both excited and nervous about a new job. Many of us never learned to hold space for emotional complexity, or to appreciate how each emotion interacts with and influences the other; in fact, contemporary culture frequently rewards all or nothing thinking, framing emotional complexity as weak or indecisive. From a therapeutic viewpoint, emotions exist whether we process them or not. Unprocessed emotions can influence our thoughts, behavior, relationships, and sense of well-being. When we can approach emotions with curiosity, they provide useful information about our needs, values, and experiences.
Therapy offers a safe space to understand our mixed emotions and embrace the gray areas of experience. According to Travis Heath, PhD, “The existence of one truth does not automatically invalidate another. For many clients, this realization marks the beginning of meaningful change. Once emotional experiences no longer need to compete with one another, they become easier to understand.”
Unspeakable emotions – From an early age, we learn a great deal about emotions from the people around us through observation, modeling, and socialization. Over time, we may internalize implicit expectations from our families, communities, and cultures about which emotions are acceptable (and which are unacceptable), as well as how emotions should be expressed. If we grew up in an emotionally restrictive or chaotic environment, we may have adapted by suppressing our emotions; over time we lose touch with what we are feeling and how to express it – even to ourselves. Instead, we carry the weight of our unspeakable emotions around with us, contributing to stress, anxiety, interpersonal problems, and other manifestations of distress.
Take a moment to breathe. Look inside and notice what emotions you are currently experiencing. Tune into any tension, heaviness, or other sensation you may be experiencing in your body. Try to stay with what you notice, neither suppressing nor amplifying the experience. In his poem about emotions entitled The Guest House, Rumi encourages us to “invite them in.”
Meta-emotions (feelings about feelings) – A mindful stance toward emotions involves cultivating nonjudgmental curiosity toward them. However, many of us struggle to allow our emotions; we react with self-judgment and self-criticism toward certain feelings. These are meta-emotions, or “feelings about our feelings.” For example, we might feel anger, followed by guilt about the anger; or vulnerability, followed by contempt for our vulnerability. Paying attention to these meta-emotions can be an important part of understanding ourselves. What purpose are they trying to serve? How has this been necessary or helpful in the past? Are there alternative approaches to meeting this need?
If you’re navigating emotional complexity, you don’t have to face it alone. Contact me to schedule a brief complimentary phone consultation. Together we can explore whether I might be helpful to you.